Up and down, up and down. Healing after a major surgery is an emotional roller coaster. One day I feel bad but I cling to optimism. Another day I feel bad and I mope. A different day I am happy and feel healthy. Then there are days when no matter what I feel like physically I feel trapped by the things I can’t do. It’s oddly the worst on days when I feel well because any activity beyond the basics reminds me I am still on the mend.
Just to be clear, I am happy, optimistic, grateful, blessed, and healing quickly. I also feel whiny.
I want to hop in my car and DRIVE. Remember how I used to do spontaneous road trips? I want to do that again. I don’t want to wait six months. I want to do it NOW.
I want to fill my calendar and DO STUFF. Yesterday I filled up my calendar with “potential” things and it was exhausting and I didn’t even make it to music or crafts. There are dance performances, theater, book lectures, book clubs, coding meetups, events all over town I want to attend.
I want to do stuff with PEOPLE. Not just people who have cars and are amazing and will come get me on a strange day and take me to Zell’s for lunch. Definitely those people but also harder to get to people. People who live further out or have bad transportation. People who are interesting but you have to wrangle out of their introverted dens. People who can’t make plans but can be kidnapped for road trips at a moment’s notice. All my people. OK, maybe Donna is right, maybe I could be an extrovert.
I want to go hiking in the woods. I want to rearrange my bedroom. Again. I want to pick up heavy boxes and not have this weird pressure pain in my head. I want to do some crafts that involve hot wax or a soldering kit and could lead to horrible burns if I’m not in top form. I want to cook every other night like I used to. I want my husband to look less tired.
I want to be done with this and do the things I love. And optimism can go jump in a well, I want it NOW.
Signed, cabin fever mixed with soppy gratitude to Allen & Laura for coming to take me outside today.
Rebekah Golden 