Brain Surgery Acceptance

As  I met with doctors, had scans and tests done, and generally searched for why I don’t feel well I made jokes about brain surgery. I’ve been doing this since May when the quest began. I’m only just now facing up to the reality that this is happening. I still make jokes  but it’s getting horrifyingly real.

Yesterday’s tests came in two parts. The first part was standing on a small moving platform trying to keep good upright posture. They would move the “scenery” around me around or the platform or both. This was done multiple times with my eyes both open and shut. Made me very nauseous. The second part involved sitting in a chair following light dots on the wall. My cats would have loved it. It made my head hurt. There was one part with light and dark stripes alternating that made me want to cry. I just couldn’t focus on the colors, my eyes kept seeing the wall behind instead. The technician had me keep trying and said unfocusing my eyes was a coping mechanism.

Anyway, the result was that I have measurable symptoms that match the scans. They want me to start physical therapy before the surgery to start correcting my incorrect assumptions about where my center of gravity is. I use my eyes almost entirely to maintain my relative stance to the world around me. My inner ear and what gravity tells it is ignored (because it’s wrong).

The other result was my head hurts horribly and every time I move it feels like my brain is sloshing inside my skull.  I did make it to work though it was hard to focus. I find the pain easier to deal with now that I can pinpoint it better.

I just sent out the email and made a Facebook announcement. One more checkbox on the “this is really happening” list. It makes me grumpy. Or my headache makes me grumpy. Either way I think I’m done with the internet for tonight.  Goodnight.

1 thought on “Brain Surgery Acceptance”

  1. I would suspect both make you grumpy. When I discovered I had a Chiari Malformation, an option was brain surgery. I remember, clearly, what the idea of and trying to grapple with a possible reality of having my head cut open would be like. I opted out. I wish you had that option, but I also trust that this will dramatically improve your life. I have faith, love and good energy for you.

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